Fiddle Stalker
Sightings aren’t sent in by readers, they’re total bullshit; don’t send yours to tips@goldenfiddle.com
In this Sunglasses Hut-tastic installment: Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Ted Turner, Jeff Foxworthy, Shannon Wiseman, Andre 3000, Ludacris, John Mayer, Kit Hoover, Michael Stipe, Ty Pennington, David Cross, David Furnish, Chris Robinson, T-Boz, Jane Fonda, Dominique Wilkins, Elton John, Bachelorette Amber, Bill Campbell, and Chloe Sevigny. What? No Ethan Hawke?!
I saw former Atlanta Hawk and 1985 Slam Dunk Contest winner Dominique Wilkins at Cafe Tu Tu Tango in Buckhead. As you know, it’s an appetizer or “Bocas” joint, so he must have ordered at least ten for himself, and he would not share. He made his wife order separately after his food came to the table. She did not seem to mind, though. I think he liked the chicken more than the meat but not as much as the fish. He is REALLY tall. The Hawks should re-recruit him, like now. Oh yeah, he also made a cell phone call from the table. (SO RUDE in my opinion) I mean, step outside.
Saw David Cross over thanksgiving at the Magnapop show in east Atlanta. He seemed really pissed off about something. Christianity maybe? Later on, I heard him talking to some hipster girl about his red-neck sister who works at a 7-11. I think it was the same bit I’ve heard him do in his live act. So weak.
Saw Dave Matthews wannabe John Mayer at Insurection on Cheshire Bridge Road. I was perusing the “tobacco products” section, and he was checking out the “interacial porn” aisle. He has a huge head. Seriously, it’s like Jessica Simpson big. Like Alec Baldwin big. Anyspank, he walked up to the cashier with about 25 DVDs under his arm. What a pervert.
Went to Wendy’s on Peachtree for lunch the other day but the drive through line was spilling into traffic, so I parked and ran in. Moments after paying for one #6 with Mr. Pibb, (FYI: biggie-sized that beatch) I noticed an especially rotund and loudly dressed older gentleman sitting by himself at a corner table. Upon closer inspection I realized it was none other than the tiny dancer herself, Sir Elton John. I shit you not! He was concentrating pretty hard on rubbing his second packet of mayonaise all over his spicy chicken fillet so he didn’t even notice me, mouth agape, horrifed, staring right at him. After I walked out, I saw the limo with the engine running.
Athens boy made good Michael Stipe at Whole Foods on Ponce Sunday afternoon, skinnier than one could ever imagine and in dire need of a toothbrush. He hit on/asked my boyfriend where the Smart Water was, when we ventured too close. Do celebrities really believe they’re immune to plaque and gingivitis? Sweet-tea Jesus, the hot garbage odor that came from his mouth-hole was almost too much to bear. Not much southern accent left either. In his basket: a can of beans (or blackeyed peas), some Nescafe and ice.
Kit Hoover, from various Fox programs and more memorably from the first Road Rules cast, at 3 Dollar Cafe. She was ordering a drink at the bar. Some Buckhead cowboy came up and asked her if she was that girl from the Real World. She said yes. They were still talking when my friends and I left an hour later.
Peeped Outkast’s Andre 3000 marching (literally) down Piedmont Road near Monroe Drive Saturday afternoon round 2pm. He was twirling a glow-stick baton and was wearing a pink flipped-out bob wig and a polyester funstripe outfit. When he reached the corner, he pulled two gold award-looking statuettes out of a Care-Bears(?) backpack, glanced around to see if anybody was watching,(everyone was) and placed them on top of an overflowing trashcan. I resisted screaming “Hey Ya” at him. It was tough… and surreal.
Almost didn’t recognize Hanoi Jane Fonda in the lobby of my (Turner)building this morning. She had on way too many sweatery-type layers and was walking very fast. Her mouth was a clenched asshole. The poor assisant with her was on a cell phone talking loudly about plane flights. Wonder if her and Ted had an office quicky for ol’ time sake.
Whitney Houston at Houstons on Peachtree Friday night, 10ish. She was eating her napkin and sweating profusley from her upper lip. There were ribs all over the table and no sign of abusive hubby Bobby Brown, that is until I went to the bathroom, and found him rubbing himself against the tile wall in the far stall. He was dressed rather well, for a crack head.
Saw Vincent Gallo- just kidding, saw Atlanta Tonight’s very own Mary Hart-bot, Shannon Wiseman, at Fab’rik on West Peachtree Wednesday afternoon. Much prettier in real life (than her clown-whore-on-coke TV persona) She was smallish, busty and laughed like Kathleen Turner the whole time.
Ludacris and posse at the Sunglasses Hut in Lenox Mall. The posse, of well over ten, was loud, obnoxious, and asked the girl working there to let them try on every pair in the store. Cris paid for mulitple pairs of Ray Ban aviators, and a bunch of wrap-around Oakleys, with a big sweaty wad of cash. Aren’t Oakleys like so 1990? And aviators like so 3.5 minutes ago?
Saw TLC’s T-Boz at Sunglasses Hut in Lenox checking out the aviators. Her bling was minimal but the booty was maximal. The Juicy logo was all too visible, if not stretching a bit at the seams, across the ass of her fugly yellow velour track-suit. When are those things going to go away for good?! She seemed nice, though.
You might be a redneck if you still recognize Jeff Foxworthy. I saw him Saturday night at Bar Pitti. He kept trying to order cotton candy. It started when they brought that little specials chalkboard over. He just chuckled, erased a parpadelle sausage entrée from the board with his fingers and ordered cotton candy. He just kept doing it, too. Sometimes he’d order it “straight up,” sometimes “lightly tossed”—it was weird, and no one really knew what to do. And there was this other guy with him. He was heavier than Jeff and had a goatee, but same reddish face and same basic laugh. And every time Jeff ordered cotton candy, he’d stomp his boots and shout “get ‘er done!”
Saw Chloe Sevigny, minus her umlaut, on the corner of Ponce and Monroe late Saturday night wearing a micro-mini, smoking a cig, and looking way strung out. A big old Cadillac pulled up at the light and it looked like she was giving the guy directions, but then she got in the car and they took off… Wait. That might not have been Chloe Sevigny. No, yeah it was her.
Hunky Tool-boy, Ty Pennington from Trading Spaces at, where else, Home Depot on Sunday, with his dog. Didn’t realize they allowed dogs, but what the hey, he’s like Home Depot’s only celebrity. He had a #2 pencil stuck IN his ear, and looked like he knew exactly what he wanted and which aisle to find it on. Not a browser. Minutes later, I spied him cutting his own wood in the lumber section, while his dog licked up the sawdust. I didn’t know customers were allowed to use those saws, but what the hey, he’s Ty!!! Also, he was wearing safety goggles, Carhart shorts, an over-sized “spititual” type necklace, and (sigh) mandels. points deducted.
Halo on friday night, spied David Furnish, Elton John’s Co-manion, getting jiggy to the new Kylie Minogue song, with a rose in his mouth, alongside three latino boys whose combined age couldn’t have been over 22. There was much sweaty grinding and my friend mentioned that he heard Sir Elton lets David off his diamond Versace leash for a few hours every friday night to play with boys his own century.
Former Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell at the Sunglasses Hut at Lenox Square Mall this morning. He was the first one in the store -I work there. Almost immediately, he spilled his Venti Starbucks drink on one of the display counters and then tried to sop it up with his tie. Ended up buying some polarized fishing sunglasses for a “top-secret trip” he said he was taking to “the other side of Greenland to hunt Ceratias holboelli.” He crazy.
Season 3 of The Bachelor tiny lush-girl Amber strutted into Neighbors friday night with a girlfriend, went straight through the bar to the bathroom, where they stayed for 20 minutes (powdering their beaks?), and then walked straight out the front door again. Guess the scene wasn’t cool enough for a former reality TV show loser. So cute, though.
A Kate Hudson-less Chris Robinson at Neiman Marcus reading the ingredients on a gallon tub of Creme de la Mer eye baum. He had a vintage Black Crowes t-shirt and bell-bottom jeans on. Surprisingly, some vortex of irony hadn’t swallowed him up yet.
If you’re like me, you watch CNN. If you’re like me, you watch TBS, too. If you are me, you saw Ted Turner at the Local on Ponce de Leon Friday night doing Biz Markie karaoke. Drunk is not the word. He was sitting, barely, on a stool on the stage singing “Oh, baby you…got what I need.” After the show, I told him how cool I thought he was and asked him if I could buy him a beer. He thanked me, did a little dance and said “the puppet don’t drink at all, and I only sip Cristal!” Then he smashed a bottle on this guy’s head and ran out of the bar, hooting like a Cherokee.
All the mall references made me laugh
As an Atlanta native who reads your blog and Gawker everyday, I always get jealous of their too cool sightings. Yours were too hilarious, but we need some better Atlanta celebrities, I mean, Kit Hoover? No good.
ooh, i got some! always elton in piedmont park, always near the entrance at 14th, and always glaring. thom yorke (i think?) at the local. and stipe at eats, like two years ago. once i swore i saw bjork at mjq’s, but the next day i decided it was just a small cute person and i was drunk.
Loooved the stalk on Foxworthy. I am going to use the phrase “Get er done” all day.
I didn’t know satire of other blogs was an emerging phenomenon, but this is one of the funniest parodies I’ve come across lately. Thanks for the morning laughs.
_matt // 88.5
Ok. Too funny. Hard to compete with the “Britney buying dog” news, but y’all are right in there.
Y’all.
Saw Dakota Fanning. She and Lindsey and Tara were getting nails done/drinking at Lenox.
bravo! in my mind, that foxworthy story is true.
Easy dude.
genius…..pure genius
so sorry dildopholus. i take it all back.
THIS MORNING: Mopin’ around Junk Man’s for about an hour (I’m unemployed as mofo) I finally made it up to the counter with nothing in hand but a really really fake “Invisible Man,’” driver’s license. (Height: Transparent; Weight: Not Seen; Hair: Bandaged; Eyes: Dark Glasses; Class: Insane.) Guess WHO’s next to me purhcasing a vacuum cleaner-shaped gold cocaine snorter? ‘Lil John, avec the works: gold and hoodlocks and shit everywhere. I gave him sum knucks and congratulated him on his numpts, but couldn’t help smirking at his purchase. As I was putting my change a away he yelped out “my wife likes the fucking dust, OKaaaay”
holy crap, that’s brilliant.
Really enjoyed this blog of celebrity sightings. Keep it ray-al.
Larry the cable guy was with Jeff. Get ‘er done.
If rabbits consider your scalp as a major source of nutrients…..you might have a head made of cabbage (might be a redneck too).
easy saget.
hiyoooooo. hey blueberry head, what do micheal jackson and caviar have in common?
I don’t even know what all these buttons do. Like the “+ day -” buttons.
Thank God Dominique Wilkins is alive and well. Go Old School Hawks. Spwaaaak!
they are both black and explode in your mouth?
they both come on little crackers.
look out beloooooow!
they both come on little crackers. look out beeeloooww!
I really did just see a very pregs Liv Tyler on Perry Street. I was like, “can our other heads touch?”
My friend here just saw former Denver Post sportswriter Woody Paige from ESPN’s Around the Horn and Cold Pizza coming out of Avalon, the most faggot-ass hair salon in the West Village, and then admiring his new frosted tips in the window of Magnolia Bakery.
Oh yeah, this friend was also- and this is no shit- Stephen Dorff’s body double in fear.com. I meant to tell you yesterday. He fucked Pam Anderson’s body double. He really was his body double. They filmed it in Luxembourg. What a fucking shyte movie.
I saw Goldenfiddle picketing in front of the Chick-Fil-A in SoBu. He was holding a sign that said “Honk if you love Polynesian Sauce”!
hilarious.. positively hilarious!!
Haha! Too funny. Also, what is this “URI” trickiness?
You are good, very funny!
Rome has spoken; the case is concluded. by blackjack
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chawsome…i lived in ATL for a little bit, so all the street references make me laugh…