Do they give an Oscar for pain?

Here’s Chris Rock. What do you think Oscar really thinks of him?

ART DIRECTION All I can think about as they thank Scorsese is that they’ve now won an Oscar before Scorsese.

SUPPORTING ACTOR Renee Zellweger put on 25 pounds to play Bridget Jones and she put on a ridiculously black wig for the Oscars.

Jamie Foxx should win this.

OK. Morgan Freeman wins. This means Scorsese wins. Guarantee it. Or not. “This is the year where the past meets present” or some shit, as Hoffman introduced at the intro. In the absence of any good movies, performances or directing, Oscar will take the opportunity to right some wrongs.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE I don’t think this should be a category. Not that I don’t like cartoons, but what defines “animated?” Or how much of a movie needs to be animated to be Animated? Spiderman II wouldn’t be any good without the animated stuff, but whatever.

MAKEUP If I ever see Cate BlanCHETT, I’m going to call her Cate BLANchett. What the fuck is she doing in the aisle? I guess they figured “makeup” doesn’t deserve to go onstage, which is true. But congratulations to Valli O’Reilly and Bill Corso. Their work is brilliant and has for so long gone unnoticed.

SONG Nice work, Beyoncé. And I like what you’ve done with your breasts, vis-à-vis the double stick tape.

And let’s go to Scarlett Johannson, on the fire escape, who will review a previously taped segment featuring several winners for Scientific Advancement, whatever the fuck that means.

As we give Sandy Powell a fucking Oscar for Costume Design, we realize that who fucking cares about little technical shit if the movie’s no good. I’m sure the Lemony Snicket’s key grip was also superb, but did any of his talent go to use? Also, we realize that Sandy Powell has now won two more Oscars than Scorsese.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS Yes. I’m still going to embarrass her in the West Village by totally disrespecting her name, but, unfortunately for “the beautiful Natalie Portman,” I want a doughnut for Closer. Wait, why is Cate’s husband sitting next to Charlize Theron? Nevermind.

DOCUMENTARY The drugs are starting to show their shadows on the same boyish good looks that made Leonardo DiCaprio unable to play a man in any film to date, including The Aviator. Right now, if someone told me his name was really Benicio Del Culkin, I’d believe it.

A little note on the two that won for Born Into Brothels. They’re doing it. Not that anyone cares, but during the Independent Spirit Awards, the woman said she “would like to thank (the guy), her partner for the last twelve years,” to which he added, a little too quickly, “professional partner!” Then she almost made out with him right in front of Oscar.

EDITING This one’s Collateral. Please. Another multiple winner who’s won for another Scorsese film. Everyone knows he at least co-edits everything. At least she kind of acknowledged it.

Here’s the “lovable” Mike Meyers, introducing the “overweight” Sideshow Bob and Counting Crows. How did that guy bang half the Friends? Was that an award transaction? I thought The Beyoncé won, or at least sang the winning one.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY This is like the award for people who don’t have an original idea. And did anyone notice that Before Sunset was adapted from Before Sunrise?

VISUAL EFFECTS It’s got to be Spidey, otherwise this completely validates my theory that people can win for doing their part to make a terrible movie. Well done, Oscar.

And now Pacino will present Sidney Lumet with the Lifetime Achievement award. HOO-HA. As Pacino rambles, they cut to Morgan Freeman in his seat, holding his Oscar, and he winked. Awesome. He’s getting this award now, because next year they’d have to include a clip from the upcoming Vin Diesel vehicle they just showed as “in production.”

Lumet “dreamed of Oscar,” so he also receives this year’s award for first person to refer to Oscar as a person or deity. I think his girlfriend or wife or daughter will win for most spectacular tan/breasts combo.

CINEMATOGRAPHY Kate Winslet, the Susan Lucci of real acting, is here to give an Oscar to another Aviator person, Robert Richardson, who has a perfect eye, perfect hair and is totally insane.

SOUND MIXING Let’s give it to Ray. The story’s about a musician, played by an actor. But honestly, who cares.

SOUND EDITING Whoever this guys is, he just got uppity about how creative his job is. Right. You’re an irreplaceable sound editor, you fuck.

Is it just me, and having smoked a joint, or have we hit a lull here?
Best Documentary Short Subject? It’s hard not to think about all the Shorts as individual sports in the Special Olympics. At least they didn’t let the director speak, though.

Yo Yo Ma is not a rapper. But rather an acclaimed cellist, whose dazzling performance almost convinced us that Ronald Reagan and Marlon Brando actually belong in the same montage.

As Beyoncé sings her seventeenth song, I’m finally realizing we won’t be seeing Lindsay Lohan performing her rendition of “Sideways.” And thanks to Josh Groban for just reminding me to cut my hair. By the way, who is Josh Groban and what has he done with Clay Aiken?

Jorge Drexler just gave us an Oscar Acceptance Song. Bueno.

BEST ACTRESS Now we’re talking. Sean Penn, out of breath from the walk onto the stage, side-stepped his regularly scheduled self-important political rant for nothing-short-of chastising Chris Rock for bad mouthing Jude Law. I don’t know if I’d fight that one.

Imelda Staunton should win it, but I’ll bet the house on Hillary Swank-Lowe. I’ll also bet the house that she’s Matt Damon in a dress. But she’s got an amazing body, so I don’t know how I feel about that. OK, now “You’re my everything” gets the award for “Most Pathetically Uncreative Shout Out To My Husband, The Less Talented Of Two Amazingly Out Of Touch And Curiously Conservative Hollywood Brothers.”

Chris Rock hates Sean Penn.

BEST FOREIGN FILM, also known as the least watched film in Kansas, goes to The Sea Inside. And why not.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Nice. Let’s see what Gondry and Kauffman say… Basically, nothing. A meta-speech if I’ve ever heard one. Brilliant, as expected.

BEST ACTOR I’m going out on a limb here, but I think Jamie Foxx gets it. Johnny Depp is all cool, but no way. Leo’s a poor man’s Depp, so no way. Cheadle was brilliant in an important and inconsequential film, Clint might take the Oscar from Scorsese if he doesn’t get this, so I have mixed feelings, but… Hot Damn. Jay Z is pumped.

BEST JULIA ROBERTS Only Julia Roberts can pull this one off.

DIRECTOR Scorsese. Honestly, if anyone else gets this, I’ll curse Oscar’s name. Aviator sucked, but the fact that he’s arguably the best American Director ever and has never won is absurd.

I just cursed Oscar’s name. Everyone loves Clint too much. Oh, and a quick thought: Paul Giamatti has to play Martin Scorsese in the movie.

IS DUSTIN HOFFMAN HAMMERED? Yes! And as Million Dollar Baby wins, I’m reminded of his prelude. But in place of my inference that the past would be corrected by Scorsese winning for all the great films Aviator wasn’t, strobes Dustin Hoffman’s beautiful three-hour rainbow of pills that must have been crossed and blotted and downed with ether, and must have made the time just fly.

• Leroy Street, Sunday, February 27th, 2005