Are You Being Ironic?

Captain Malibu Matthew Perry was looking a bit shifty at the Frederick’s Of Hollywood 2006 Spring Collection Fashion show last night. Might the Chan-man be back on the horse-tranq train? And what reason does he have not to be?

• To Do List: Never rent Eight-And-A-Half Women.

• Laugh Of The Day: Brought to you in part by a donation from the Johnny Depp Institute of Ironical Cherokee Ass-ociates, Inc.

• Anna Paquin to star in Kenneth Lonegran’s Margaret with moist toilettes Mark Ruffalo and Matt Damon.

• Matt Dillon plays Charles Bukowski’s alter-ego Henry Chinaski in the American Splendorish looking (but probably with a lot more drinking) Factotum.

• Flickskinny stops playing Doom the video game to go see Doom the movie.

• One sheet for Terence Malick’s The New World, starring Colin Farrell, Christian Bale, Christopher Plumber and a bunch of Native American extras Collin Farrell had mad orgies with in between takes.

• Glazed donut Katie Holmes hides the Scientology bong for this week’s subtley(for Us Weekly) hilarious cover.

• Worst look for winter?

• Rolling Stone is reporting that impervious to the un-cool, country music dead-guy-of-the-moment Johnny Cash will be celebrated with the CBS special I Walk The Line: A Night for Johnny Cash on November 16th. The night will feature performances by country music legends in their own rights Foo Fighters, Sheryl Crow, Dwight Yoakam, Norah Jones, Alison Krauss, Martina McBride, Shooter Jennings, Brad Paisley and, of course, U2. Joaquin “I became an alcoholic for this role!!!” Phoenix will take over hosting duties, of course.

• Hipsters everywhere baffled by unknown levels of irony in this morning’s Pitchfork review of the new Destiny’s Child greatest hits CD.

• Adorable pop group the Nine Inch Nails play Phillips Arena tonight with support from equally cutey-pantsters Queens Of The Stone Age and glass half-fullers Death From Above 1979.

• Paxton on Leno tonight! It’s a rerun, but who gives a fuck. C’mon, it’s Paxton we’re talking about here.

• The Girl: Solange Mendes

Surely, You Must Be Joking?

Lindsay Lohan drops her bullet in the toilet at Koi.

• Reason #2,349,873,626 to love Parker Posey. Can somebody please introduce her to Andy Dick? Together, they would be UNSTOPPABLE!

• From McSweeny’s Recommends:

Laguna Beach Kristin visited old flame Stephen in San Francisco a few episodes ago; she stayed, chastely, in a hotel. He responded, while dropping her off, by handing her an empty Chinese-takeout container found (planted?) on the floor of his truck and gruffly suggesting that she throw it away. Ineffable gestures like this one abound. Why watch The O.C., really?

• “A lotta cats be frontin, mad singles with a fitty on top, L got the city on lock.’ These are lyrics that I will recite to my grandkids while we sit around the 200 inch plasma screen fireplace and eat futuristic cookies.” So says Andy Milonakis, who has a new iTunes (celebrity?) playlist. It’s all rap, and it’s kind of great.

• Homestrarrunner: Cheatventures in Moses Maloneland

Ack

Truth be told, it is kind of a great album.

• DOWNLOAD: “Razor Blade” is the fifth song to be leaked off the upcoming Strokes album First Impressions Of Earth.

• Radiohead. are. finished.

• Ken, you poor whipped bastard. The plastic pussy is that good, huh?

I'll Hate Them Even More Than I Did Before

What’s the only thing more depressing than the thought of actually reading life-whore Kim Cattrall’s new naked coffee table book Sexual Intelligence, and or sitting through the made for TV documentary of the same name? … Actually, we can’t really think of anything more depressing than either one of those two things. Although, the thought of Kim Cattrall feigning interest in whatever it is Michelle Trachtenberg has to say about anything is pretty darn skull crushing, too.

• Coming Soon talks to Jason Schwartzman about Shopgirl and all his love triangles.

• Bijou Phillips on and off the runway.

• Hollywood’s current favorite fashion accesory Caroline D’Amore, AKA Yasdnil(we can do better than that can’t we?), sports some mouth bling at the recent Ashley Paige fashion show.

• Right now, probably somewhere in Hollwood, Maria Menounos is smiling from ear to ear.

• New pics from the set of Southland Tales, Richard Kelly’s (Donnie Darko) film currently in production starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, The Rock, Sean William Scott, Amy Poehler, Cheri Oteri, and every other SNL alum. ever. and Justin Timberlake.

• Courtney Cox, mother of Coco Arquette, and wife of David Arquette, has a production company called Coquette. Now, with one hand, pinch your index finger and thumb together, raise them to the bridge of your nose, hold the bridge of your nose, close your eyes, lean forward and exhale thoroughly. You may now proceed with your day.

Feast your hungry little peepers of these pictures of scrub and summer Zack Braff and Rachel Bilson partying their sweaty asses off like it’s spring break 1999 with a bunch of pedestrians.

• Sports Illustrated cover girl Carolyn Murphy sex tape on the way. Unfortunately for Incubus fans, this tape was made with nobody husband numero uno Jake Schroeder, who has given his blessing for the release of the tape (whataguy!) and had these ex-kind words regarding the matter: “Let it be in the public eye. It doesn’t really affect my life; it’s Ms. Murphy who has to worry. I’m sick of her bullshit. Carolyn is as fake as her new tits. She’s just about the almighty dollar.”

• Watch the trailer for Underworld: Evolution, the sequel to a movie that never should have seen the light of a movie projector.

Ladies and gentlemen, the cover artwork for the Darkness’ second studio album, “One Way Ticket to Hell …and Back”

• DOWNLOAD: Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka: Porn Music For The Masses, Vol.1

• The Other Side: A fourth Strokes song has leaked. This is getting kinda fun.

• The video for Lindsay Lohan’s new single “Confessions Of A Broken Heart” will premiere on MTV’s “Making The Video” on Monday, October 24th at 6 PM EST.

• The inaugural Paste Rock n Reel Festival begins this Saturday in Decatur with over 12 hours of short films in the short film competition, a screening of High and Dry, a special forum and screening with the Brothers Chaps (Homestarrunner) and over 30 bands including (deep breath): Low, Mark Olson and Victoria Williams, Mindy Smith, Over The Rhine, Buddy Miller, Erin McKeown, Howe Gelb (of Giant Sand), Brandi Carlile, Elf Power, Cary Brothers, Manchester Orchestra, Kate York, Denison Witmer, Phosphorescent, Red Letter Agent, Matthew Ryan, A Fir-Ju Well, Anathallo, Colour Revolt, The Selmanaires, Modern Skirts, Trent Dabbs, AFAR, Taylor Hollingsworth, Anthony David, The Whigs, Cadillac Jones, Hope for A Golden Summer, Tyler James, Charlie Mars, Blake Guthrie and Andrew Nelson.

• Athens veterans Five Eight plays The Earl tonight.

• Madonna gets back on the horse.

• All Al-night on Letterman with Al Franken and Al Green tonight.

• Catherine Zeta Jones hosts this weekend’s Saturday Night Live with musical guest Franz Ferdinand.

• Ginseng + Taurine + Guarana + D-Ribose + Maltodextrin + Lionel Richie = Mountain Dew MDX.

Go With What You Know

Just another day in life of the young and heavily caffeinated.

• Fish in a barrel: He should talk to Tom Cruise.

• Operation Smile And Fake It: “Nick will be unable to join Jessica on the next trip because of work commitments in Los Angeles.” Right. Those darn work commitments.

• Reading is fundamental for Jessica Simpson.

• Farting is fun for Ashlee Simspon.

• Inside The Ashton Kutcher Thought Process: Hey! You know what would make a good TV show? MY LIFE!

• Jude & Sadie: If you can’t beat ‘em, shag ‘em!

• This is the part where Jennifer Garner goes 13 going on crazy-ass be-otch.

• Have you heard the one about Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer Films beating out Warner Bros, which was bidding for Heyday Films and Bueller Films, as well as Paramount, who was bidding for Plan B. (Brad Pitt’s production company) for the rights to Ahmet Zappa’s children’s book about a family of monster hunters that was originally conceived as a children’s recipe book The Monstrous Memoirs of a Mighty McFearless? No?! Well, that’s probably because it’s not a joke.

• Awww, did the big, bad Lord of War have himself a bad day? Awww, poor baby. Anybody remember when this movie came out, not really, like, a year ago?

• Watch the trailer For Running Scared starring hunka-hunka bo-hunk Paul Walker as a man with a secret; He can’t do accents.

• Ain’t It Cool News has the first review from the very first test screening of Tenacious D: In The Pick Of Destiny.

• Flickskinny bravely braves the terrifying audio spikes and ghost lepers of The Fog.

• Haven’t our troops suffered enough, Jon Bon Jovi?

• Details and tracklisting on the upcoming Hives’ Tussels in Brussels DVD .

The Detroit Cobras play The Earl tonight.

• Fookin’ student Chris Martin outbid Bono and chef Mario Batali to win Michael Stipe’s… lunchbox? Pictures from the aforementioned lunchbox.

• Frankie Rayder gets all pouty… and naked! (nsfw)

• Exhaustion is the new excuse.

Prince's Hips

No guesses which one is Don Johnson’s boy.

• Jennifer Aniston moving on “to Vince’s lap.”

• Courtney Love parties with some pretty crazy 14 year olds.

• Cameron Crowe tastes The Fog that surrounds.

• In case you didn’t get your copy, way back when, Chuck Norris’ “Farewell To Walker” Letter.

• Bret Ratner not easing X3 fears.

• Filthy Rich horse-semen collector Fabian Basabe changes his look.

• Lydia Hearst: Heiress, model and 50% cheshire cat.

• High heels and Jehova’s Witnesses do Prince’s hips no good.

• Neil Young will tape 4 nights as the musical guest on Conan in November.

• Laguna Beach Stephen’s favorite band to be a douche-bag to, Journey, are releasing a live album “Live in Houston: 1981 Escape Tour.” Finally.

• Jim O’ Rourke leaves Sonic Youth to make their own noise.

• Funny, we always took Liam for more of a Coke-man.

• The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert premieres tonight.

• Craigslist: You kiss too well to be straight.

Simpletons

Now we play the waiting game, you morons.

• Katie Holmes’ aunt Carol Zydorczyk (take twice daily with water) says the couple did it “the old fashioned way,”(breathe, breathe) which began with Cruise setting the mood by lighting candles, sprinkling rose petals over the bed, playing the new Joss Stone CD quietly in the background, and then gently, ever so gently, pulling out of the micro-waved cantaloupe carved into the shape of Jesse Metcalf’s face at the last minute and firing into a sample jar, then straight to the turkey baster and a shower. Ah, the circle of life. Somewhere Elton John is yelling at someone to bring him a Ritz cracker.

• Tom Cruise: “After I’m done sprinkling my manly love-seed, I like to put on a fresh leather jacket. A real manly-man kind of leather jacket.”

• Sienna Miller: Old Puce Face.

• Austin Powers will return in A View To Kill A Franchaise.

• Peter Jackson and the pre-milking of King Kong’s giant ape-tits.

• Kirsten Dunst uses the word exorbitant. Way to go!

• An Arab, a black guy and a Jew walk into a barn, hilarity creeps out the back door unnoticed.

• Morgan Freeman loses role to Usher.

• Jessica Alba plays Hollywood dress up for Esquire.

• Katie Price (AKA Jordan) has been announced as the new… ”face” of Young Attitudes D-G lingerie.

• From POPBITCH: Boy George’s companion when he was arrested was Yoko-esque drag-hag Kyoko Nagami.

• Star Fucker meets star who will fuck anyone. (NSFW)

• Proof that God does not exist.

According to US Weekly: *

The Simple Life has been cancelled (please hold your applause until the end). The highly rated reality series, starring feuding former pals Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, was set to begin shooting a fourth season in two weeks. ”They tried to make it work, (RIGHT) but couldn’t,” says a show source. ”The network just had to pull the plug.” A Fox publicist confirmed the cancellation. Fox said in a statement: ”Collectively, we did not see a place for The Simple Life on our schedule this season.” Twentieth Century Fox Television, the producers of the show, said in a statement: ”We’re disappointed that The Simple Life will not continue on Fox where it has performed so well, but we believe this series starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie is still a dynamic and valuable franchise. We hope to be able to announce a new network partner in the coming days.” Sources say that the two main reasons for the cancellation were Hilton and Richie’s inability to end their public feud (the former childhood friends no longer even speak), and because Richie’s recent weight loss had, according to a show source, ”made them nervous about how viewers would accept her.” Richie’s publicist, however, tells Us, ”We have never been approached [by producers] about her weight being an issue.”

• The beached whales of Laguna whore it for JC Penny or something.

• Jessica Simpson’s curiously titled new album And The Band Played On has, thankfully, been pushed back until May/June of next year to make room for her upcoming divorce from Nick Lachump and inevitable public party-dog meltdown. Can’t wait? Speaking of horrible album titles, Lindsay Lohan has dubbed her latest toilet cloggage A Little More Personal.

• Christina Aguilera frees her lady Skippy.

• Pitchfork creams over the new Cat Power single.

• Killers pansy Brandon Flowers bottoms Q Magazine’s 25 Most Pathetic Rock Stars Ever.

• Damien Rice totally forgets to thank Renee Zellweger.

• Hi-larious old MP3 radio interview with Eddie Van Halen. maybe.

• Hope For A Golden Summer plays The Earl this evening.

• From Criminal Records: Atlanta’s first-ever indie label festival, The Other Sound Music Festival, begins tonight at the 10 High, the EARL, and Lenny’s and runs through Saturday. the festivus is organized by local independent record labels Brand Name, Eskimo Kiss, Goodnight, Lazyline and Two Sheds and will feature atlanta local outfits such as the Tom Collins, Snowden, the Close, the Black Lips and, of course, many more. All schedule and showtime information HERE.

• Jason Schwartzman and My Morning Jacket on Conan tonight.

• You just bought an iPod nano? Sucks for you! But wait. A built-in video camera on the new iMac G5? Well, let the home porn olympics begin!!!

• Trip Girl: Cris Noronha

Branded A Hooker

Okay, look, Kelly Osbourne. We’re only going to tell you this one more time. It faces the camera at a 45 degree angle. It places ONE hand on the forward hip while the other hand is at its side. ONLY ONE HAND ON THE FUCKING HIP! Its head should be tilted down, at a slight angle. Its mouth should be CLOSED, with just the HINT of a smile. Now, this stance will automatically project a taller frame, while creating a slimming sillouette for the hips and arms. HAVE PARIS AND NICOLE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?!?!?

• Angelina Jolie finds her new whip to be in excellent working order.

• Kate Cruise: Going, going… gone.

• Sienna Miller makes a pretty cute boy.

• Daniel Craig is having the best week ever.

• Brand name Paris Hilton has a new brand.

• Halle Berry shops without injuring herself, yet.

• Kiki spills the beans on the villains in Elizabethtown 2.

• Demi Moore man-servant Ashton Kutcher utters love quote we refuse to reprint here.

• Carmen Electra: Sometimes an ice cream cone is just a ice cream cone?

• MegaForce, Condorman or A Night In The Life Of Jimmy Reardon?

Raymond Pettibon: “I want to make images that have the disparities of Surrealism. I’ve heard people say my work is arbitrary, random, spliced together. But I think that’s a pretty simplistic comprehension level. If anything, my work is fairly easily understood compared to most poetry. I try to be in the communication business.”

• Original R.E.M. lineup reunites for 7 song set at Athens’ own Kingpins Bowling Alley.

• Amy Sedaris plays dress up ugly, again.

• Cameron Diaz gets a photoshop makeover in GQ.

• John Lennon discovers Yoko Ono’s performance art. on acid. now on DVD.

• Hemp smokesman Woody Harrelson and Fiona Apple on Letterman tonight.

• I “get” the Fall now.

Quote Taken Out Of Context Makes No Sense

WORLD BLOG EXCLUSIVE: Although recent reports have blamed an illegal U-turn made by the mini-van as the cause in the second Lohan crash of ‘05, goldenfiddle and only goldenfiddle can now confirm that new shit has come to light, man. Paparazzi photos taken the morning of Lindsay Lohan’s accident indicate who the real culprit is behind the horrific Mercedes/mini-van pile-up that sent millions into a state of panic (long dramatic pause) and three to the hospital. That’s right, Jared Leto.

• Nick and Jessica: It’s okay. You don’t have to lie. You can tell us. Really. And do you know why you can tell us? Because we. don’t. care. At all! Promise. Seriously. We’re going to be okay.

• Sylvester Stallone: In word, classy. In two words, dirt bag.

• Paris Hilton fakes a call while stocking up on gum and other whoring essentials.

• Jake Gylenhalyyehalnalahal not phased by Brokeback Mountain’s gay scenes. Do you see where we’re going with this?

• Teaser image of Peter Jackson’s Kong.

• Jennifer Aniston still doing ok, despite incredibly awkward closed-mouth cover photo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Lena Headley has been cast as the queen for the movie adaptation of Frank Miller’s 300, about the battle of Thermopylae, in which King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against the entire Persian army.

• Author outs Harry Potter. Just not that author.

• The Killers Covered: Is that really necessary just yet?

• Fiona Apple tourdates and interview on NPR.

• OURH8NIT: According to POPBITCH, Van Halen will engage in some sort of pathetic Rock Star INXS reality show type competition to find a new still-not-David-Lee-Roth singer.

• My Morning Jacket plays The Roxy tonight.

• Girls Scouts: “That’s what I love about these girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

• Salon redesigns, world copes.

• 2006 Kelly Brook calendar.

• As Keanu would say, “Whoa,” Ziggy.

Shama Lamma Ding Dong

Flat Bottom Girls

4314 Flat Bottom Panty: I like that they’re lower, as well. Although for pure softness and comfortability, nothing beats lounging around my 2,300 sq. ft. loft in Williamsburg on a lazy sunday afternoon with a venti soy latte green tea and a joint in my favorite 100% nylon RSAR300 Fishnet Halter Bodysuit.. Oh, but wait… No. That’s what my 4318 Baby Brazilian panties are for! Mmmmm, good times.

This Emotional Time

Dave beats Carmen to the Botox.

• Courtney Cox subject of yet another unfortunate headline.

• Too. Much. Irony. Weighing down. Can’t. Take it. Much. longer. Help.

• Paris Hilton says she broke up with fiance Paris Latsis so that she wouldn’t have to break up with him. Brilliant!

• According to the press release, Paris Hilton has both “privacy” and “emotions.” Really? Where?

• The Onion weighs in on the Paris & Paris aftermath.

• Jim Jarmusch’s notes for a Ghostbusters sequel.

• For Sale: 37 ego room Hollywood bungalow with artist studio, pot smoking room, architecture coffee table book room, tennis court, laughing price: $28 million.

• Kevin Smith no longer attatched to Fletch Won. Career no longer attached to Kevin Smith.

• Dean and Britta scored The Squid and The Whale.

• Crimes and Misdemeanors + Scarlett Johansson - having to look at Woody Allen = Match Point

• Ricky Martin and his “girlfriend” have been “on and off for about 10 years.” You don’t say?

• Red, hot, wrinkled and mean Viggo Mortensen.

• Charisma Carpenter Gifs

• Pitchfork submits to Franz Ferdinand’s You Could Have It So Much Better. Liz Phair 2.0 scores the same as the name.

• Stephen Malkmus reveals his love for golf and other soon-to-be-hipster activities in an interview with Index Magazine… that may or may not not be yesterday’s news.

• Buckethead three-piece (extra crispy meal) to tour!

• Wonder what Freddie Prinze, Jr. has been up to lately. (besides anything Sarah Michelle not-Prinze-Jr. orders him to do) Actually, not really. Letterman also has Beck on tonight.

• I Love The 80’s: 3-D!

• Monkey Shoulder and Coke.

• The Girl: Luisa Granato