According to the unusually entertaining (…and just recently linked to?) LiveJournal of successful Hong Kong fashion model and America’s Next Top Model “edgy pre-med student” (Cycle One!!!) Elyse Sewell…

On the drive home (home?) from Albuquerque to Portland, my ex-boyfriend got shitfaced and roughed me up in a Sacramento hotel. I escaped from the room through a blitzkrieg of violence and talked to hotel security, who called the fuzz.

Because he had a bite mark, inflicted in self-defense, on his arm, Marty told the police to PRESS CHARGES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST ME. Now I am a felon.

A bail bondsman (!!! I have a bail bondsman!) got me out of the hoosegow this morning and took me to a hotel room where I now await my court date. Martin Lesley Crandall is still incarcerated. You can follow his saga by searching for his name on sacsheriff.com (click on “inmate information”).

So I’m stuck in Sac-town, alone and lonely, for 4-5 days until court. Court! OMFG.

On the flip side, I’m single and um, ready to mingle. Blind date, anyone?

ETA: Breakfast in jail is served at 4:00am. Meat-stuffed croissant. And, you should already know what a “kite” is if you’ve been studying your 50 Cent lyrics. But “toilet talk”? That was a new one for me. Apparently, if you bail all the water out of the toilet, you can use the pipes to talk to inmates on different floors. And, girl, you can tell who do it ‘cause they got like a big rash or whatever on they face from puttin’ it down in the toilet and shit. Damn..

See?! She’s a firecracker! Did we mention that Martin Lesley Crandall is the bassist/keyboardest/concertmouthpiece for Zach Baff’s favorite band of all time The Shins? Well, there. Assault in a Sacramento hotel room. Should make for an awesome sensitive indie ballad. Sewell and Crandall dated for 6-7 years.

• MP3: The Shins “Girl Inform Me” (SXSW: Austin, TX. 9.21.03)

• Top Ten Things Elyse Sewell Said On America’s Next Top Model