Miami Heat
When west coast goldenfiddle correspondent Vox Muppetti phoned us to say that he was going in for Jamie Foxx vanity project Miami Vice over the weekend, we told him a full report would need to be on our desk by the time that used condom of a show Entourage was over Sunday night and wished him all the air-conditioned luck in the world. Here now is a heavily edited version of the review we received just minutes ago.
Clearly I have done something horrific in a past life and my punishment is Josh Hartnett. What a fucking brick. Saw the Black Dahlia trailer in front of Vice and almost choked on my Goobers it looked so bad. And the book is soooo good. But Josh Hartnett? And now he’s in Sam Raimi’s 30 Days Of Night (another excellent book). This hurts in the groin. Who is this guy’s agent? He’s ruining the best fucking projects in town! Somebody stop. Just stop.
The Black Dahlia was part of the LA quartet by James Elroy: Black Dahlia, The Big Nowhere, LA Confidential, and White Jazz. And so what is Curtis Hanson, the brilliant director of LA Confidential, up to? Interestingly enough, you can also see the trailer to his new movie in front of Vice… That’s right, it’s Lucky You, with Drew “side mouth advice” Barrymore. Remember, this comes after last year’s In Her Shoes, with Cameron “zit-breath” Diaz. Ugh, what gives?
So, Vice was kind of great. it’s no Heat, but all the good stuff is there - Columbian drug deals, sickening cars, boats, houses, and some nasty shootouts. I enjoyed. Yeah, the dialogue was a bit silly, you could say mamet-ish, or hamfisty, or muy machismo, but I would also venture to say the dialogue wasn’t the point.
- Speaking of pointless dialogue, 2003 Sports Illustrated Fresh Face model winner Michelle Lombardo would most definitely be goldenfiddle calendar girl material (not yet in production). Meoooow!!! Not making the cut, ever: Kate Bosworth and Orlando Fruitoftheloom. But… What does that have to do with pointless dialogue? Exactly.
your kermit-ee voice is killing me.
Everyone I know who’s seen Miami Vice says, “Its not very good, but you should still go see it.”
My problem with Hartnett is that he looks like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals.
I haven’t gone #2 very well ever since Miami Vice came out. i feel blaming the miami PD would be ignorant, but somebody is to blame for this.
Does “zit breath” mean that her breath smells like zits or that she has so many zits that they come out in her breath? Ew, either way.
man, kate bosworth is turning into a fatty. I can’t even count all of her veins.
I will say this about your review Vox Muppetti, if that is you real name. You certainly didn’t spoil the movie.
Man…Bosworth. There are no words. Yikes.
Vox is an enigma wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a
paradox wrapped in a goober box. He’s just mad cuz he couldn’t bang Scarlett.
michelle…hot. and I hate to say this, but she looks kinda like the female Jake Gyllallenhaalell in some of those pics. Hope that doesn’t ruin it for ya.
btw spencer, when is that pic of kate bosworth from? pre or post superman media blitz?
Ok, hate to be a party pooper bc Kate is so spectacularly skeletal in that pic, but it was doctored. US weekly has the real pic here.
http://www.usmagazine.com/blog/index.php
Curtis Hanson is all over the place. Eight Mile? The Hand That Rocks the Cradle? The River Wild?! At least Wonder Boys was good — so good they brought it back in theaters to wow, once again, the Oscar voters. Yeah, good play on that one.
Perhaps the man has no style all his own besides “movie?”
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That’s too bad about Hartnett and Black Dahlia. Fame…ain’t it bitch.