Livin' Strong
INT. A BEACH HOUSE BATHROOM, MALIBU, CALIFORNIA. NIGHT Matthew Mcconaughey and Lance Armstrong shower, shave, wax, pluck, gel, and dress together before for a big night at Sky Bar in Los Angeles.
LANCE: Hey, Matt.
MATT: What can I do you for, LA?
LANCE: You gonna wear the linen shirt tonight?
MATT: That’s right.
LANCE: Yeah, me too. Hey, Matt.
MATT: What now, amigo?
LANCE: How many buttons you gonna leave unbuttoned?
MATT: Well, my friend. I’m fixin’ to go four deep tonight. Give the ladies a little taste.
LANCE: Yeah, right. Four sounds about right… Hey, Matt.
MATT: Che cosa ora mio Amico?
LANCE: You gonna roll your sleeves up?
MATT: To right below the elbow.
LANCE: Hey, Matt.
MATT: What now, Sir Lancelot?
LANCE: You wearing those same shorts you woke up in?
MATT: Afirmativo.
LANCE: What about foot wear? Flip-flops?
MATT: Always!
LANCE: Left hand?
MATT: In po-keto.
LANCE: Dammit!
MATT: Easy tiger. What’s got you down, now?
LANCE: Ah, it’s just another Nike contract here that says I have to keep wearing this stupid fucking bracelet for 3 more years.
MATT: Man, it’s the same bullshit they tried to pull in my day. If it ain’t that piece of paper, there’s some other choice they’re gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Lance Armstrong wants to do, man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N.
LANCE: Livin’ strong.
MATT: That’s right. Livin’ strong.
LANCE: You’re right. I’m sorry… Okay, I’m ready. How do I look?
MATT: You look like the American dream, my friend.
LANCE: Sweet. Now let’s go fuck some underage Hollywood pussy!
MATT: All right, all right, all right.
LANCE: Hey Matt.
MATT: What now, compadre?
LANCE: Do you think we should call Jake?
MATT: …
LANCE: …
MATT: …
BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!
FADE TO BLACK
THE END
Love it—except that they’re both gay, so the only pussy they’re fucking is each other’s mangina.
Brilliant! I can’t figure out those three either.
i don’t know how you do it, my friend…
beautiful stuff!
best thing ever written. in the history of english language. ever.
that’s hysterical! I don’t always get all your sarcasms of pop, but this, I get :D
To quote Homer Simpson watching “Man Getting Hit In Groin By Football:” it works on so many levels. Absolutely brilliant work.
hilarious spencer. really really funny shit.
its stuff like this that makes goldenfiddle so great. Sucks for sheryl crow though, a lead singer dumped for a bongo player.
“That’s fucking gay.” - David Cross
Classic post.
You gotta love how they’re playin’ it up, too. Check out their three-way ESPY flirting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opyhfHax4vI
golden fiddle is number one. Seriously, this shit is brilliant.
I think I love you.
I know I love you.
“4 deep tonight” is the now the new name for my softball team
remember the mcconaughey hairplugs? notice how they’ve morphed into gericurl? this pairing works for picking up signatures for a petition legalizing medicinal marijuana, not so much for picking up the ladies.
Comedy gold!
Brilliant
the only way it could have ended more realistically is if they both rode off in the sunset together
i hate to (re)state the obvious, but holy hell that’s funny
matthew sure does have some short arms
maybe the sleeves rolled to just below the elbow are to distract from the short arms. to draw the eye away from the freakish disproportion. ;)
Lance: “Livin’ strong.”
Awwww! Poor guy. You’ve painted a powerful portrait of victory, loss (you know, of Lance’s testicle), hardship, money, pressure, friendship, and best of all HOPE. I give it four stars. This blog entry is a tour de force.
Oh, oh yes.
follow we on twitter
Spence, you’re our hero.