It’s like it doesn’t matter how many times the tabloids write that she’s pregnant; Halle Berry just keeps on refusing to actually get pregnant. What an asshole.

• BREAKING SUPER-DUPER REALLY IMPORTANT CELEBRITY NEWS: Hollywood’s biggest couple calls off their engagement!!!!!!!!!!!! Find out why!!! After the jump!!! And the advertisement!!! In between the jump and the actual article!!! That you can skip!!! Just press the little button!!! Once the site fully loads!!! Which should only be another minute!!!!

• According to someone at the Daily News who just makes stuff up when it’s a slow Britney Spears news day, Britney refused Jessica Simpson’s request to kiss the pork-bellied, pop-over’s pregnant belly (ewwww?) backstage at the 2006 Worthless Choiceless Awards this past Sunday. (last item, for a reason)

• As the tension rises, Owen Wilson moves into a more nasal pitch, presumably, to throw off the hounds. All the shrugging helps, too.

• Best Week Ever captures the essence of Dane Cook’s genius comedy.

• Lindsay Lohan: Hat, shmat. We’re going with worst shorts ever.

• Superman star Brandon Routh takes the whole pretending to really like his girlfriend Courtney Ford to the next level.

• Paramount cuts ties with Tom Cruise and signs Matt Parker and Trey Stone to a two movie deal on the same day. We are praying this means Orgazmo 2 and 3, finally.

• The Mysteries Of Pittsburgh: Peter Sarsgaard, Sienna Miller, Nick Nolte, and Mena Suvari sign on for the big-screen adaptation of Michael Chabon’s best-sellling novel.

• Batman Begins director Christopher Nolan discusses what Heath Ledger’s Joker will and will not be in the Batman sequel, The Dark Knight.

• British media giant Ofcom will censor scenes of smoking from old Tom & Jerry cartoons after a single viewer complained. Smoking scenes will also be deleted out of shows like The Flintstones and Scooby-Doo. Don’t worry, though; All the horrible animation, dialogue, homo-erotic bestiality-tension (Scooby and Shaggy, anyone?) and hilarious killing will be left in the episodes.

• Thumbsucker director Mike Mills talks about his upcoming pharmaceuticals-in-Japan documentary tentatively titled Does Your Soul Have a Cold?

• A Dixie Chicks documentary: For all those people in California and Vermont who don’t listen to the Dixie Chicks but love documentaries.

• Watch the trailer for Canadia’s own Trailer Park Boys.

• Cinecon talks to Julianne Moore about Evolution, crying in all her movies, and her crazy-ass husband Bart.

• Jackie Brown Trivia: The suit that Jackie buys is the same that Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) wears in Pulp Fiction.

Look who popped up on stage at the recent Foo Fighters gig in NYC.

• We are so over freshman rock-dudes checking themselves into rehab or going sober after only one or two albums. This means you Julian Casablancas (happy birthday), Jet, Keane, Justin Darkness, and Pete Babyshambles. Our advice: 1. Keep getting wasted, (you make better music), but before you get wasted, 2. Get people who are willing to put up with you getting really wasted to work for you. 3. But don’t be Evan Dando 4. But do quit being such a fucking pussy. The Rolling Stones are laughing at you all… the way to the bank… and the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.

• Pete Doherty punches a nurse at a rehab clinic. Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down, scroll down- oh, it was just a male nurse. The best part: “He was told that if he didn’t calm down he would be medicated.” Exactly.

• Free Cold War Kids tracks at daytrotter. (via information leafblower)

• Frank Black is unhappy with how unhappy he appears in the Pixies documentary. Blame Kim!

• Modest Mouse goes with another clever-sounding, long album name, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank.

• The Kaiser Chiefs have a trademark sound? Go figure.

• MTV lauches neato website for the 2006 VMAs, since the actual 2006 VMAs will be anything but neato. (Hey, Flea: when was the last time you went to Joe’s?)

• Pitchfork barely digs the new Danity Kane (the Making The Band 3 band) single “Show Stopper.” They’re more on the Beyonce Against The Machine track “Ring The Alarm” tip. Hey, videos!

• Yo La Tengo offer up a whole messload of tourdates (no Atlanta) and the Beat Your Ass Season Pass.

• Atlanta band Snowden (who’s new album Anti-Anti dropped yesterday) make Spin’s “Artist Of The Day.”

• The epismetology of the Steve Miller Band word “Pompatus,” as heard in 1973’s “The Joker.”

• Paul McCartney is one evil frickin’ genius.

• There’s a free, MySpace-sponsored Killers show in Las Vegas. Roy-mangling white tiger not included.

• India censors Paris Hilton video. See, now why can’t we do this?

• Tennis babe Maria Sharapova has us all on pins and needles.

• Vanished: “I’m not sure the FBI actually has a three-dimensional computer model of every single building in Atlanta, but I can’t say for sure.” And why the hell wouldn’t they?

• Letterman is mixed-bag with John McEnroe (Expecting), Artie Lang (Beer League), and Busta “Homie” Rhymes on tonight.

• Zach Galifianakis talks about the pros and cons of physical comedy.

• Demetri Martin knows his site has been lame for a while but now it’s going to get better because his friend Partick is helping him make it. (via recidivism)

• Victoria Silvstedt: In bra and panties, you know the drill.

• Poparazzo: Fiorella Mattheis