Jack Nicholson & Mick Jagger: No, I thought you fucked her! Wait, you didn’t fuck her? Well if you didn’t fuck her, and I didn’t fuck her, they who the fuck fucked her?!

• Cause Of Death: Drumroll… Methadone, Zoloft, Lexapro cocktail.

• BREAKING: “The sex tape’s working title is Saved By The Smell.”

• Leslie Sloane-Zelnick says that Sarah Michelle Gellar absolutely loves her The Girls’ Guide to Hunting & Fishing co-star Alex Baldwin. See?!

• George Clooney (Unbreak-Up-Able) is concerned that Hollywood good-buddy Brad Pitt is working too hard these days on too many projects and is not getting enough of that precious, staring-at-yourself-in-the-mirror-and-pretending-you’re-an-architect-time to himself.

• Rosario Dawson’s nipples have has signed a deal with Dimension Films to bring her comic book Occult Crimes blah, blah, blah.

• Catherine Zeta-Jones getting less from T-Mobile.

Sienna Miller: She’ll never get more than three stars for anything.

• Klutz McLohan scores an awesome Dylan ‘78 tour t-shirt.

• Fake Kazakh native Borat film inspires real Kazakh President Nazarbayev to produce real $40 million film called Nomads, to combat fake negative press.

• SNL cuties Amy Poehler and Tina Fey to star in Baby Mama from a rejected Wayans Brothers script, presumably.

• Anna Nicole Smith: The obvious-bombs continue dropping.

Taxes, death, and Elizabeth Hurley’s cleavage.

• While you were watching Johnny Knoxville allow himself to be bitten three times by an anaconda (duh, who the fuck grabs a snake that far behind the head?) Flickskinny sat alone in a theater and watched Sean Penn drown himself in All The King’s Men.

• Scroll past tiny, ano-ball Nicole Richie at you’ll eventually get to this prize: “Zach calls Rachel a lot and they talk on the phone like girlfriends.” Related: Vanity Fair outtakes.

• According to the Hollywood Reporter, The Salma Hayek-produced American version of Colombian super-telenovela Yo Soy Betty, La Fea (now Ugly Betty) is a “warmhearted dramedy that gushes charm and family appeal.” ¡Grande!

• Drew Barrymore and food mentioned together in same sentence, again. Butterflies and karma suspiciously left out.

• The Onion’s A.V. Club’s Contractually Obligated Fall Movie Preview.

Up the nose of the beast. Related: Pete Doherty Arrest/Rehab Watch

• This is going to come as a shock to… maybe one of you, (and you -the one- should be ashamed of yourself) but those angsty, pierced Madden siblings in Good Charlotte are SUCH DOUCHES.

• DOWNLOAD: 48 Versions of “The Girl From Ipanema.” (via popwatch)

• Jarvis Cocker poses in front of books, says something smarmy.

• Pitchfork likes the new Sparklehorse album a lot. Go figure.

• Aerosmith Hep-cat Stephen Tyler misunderstands the whole “1 in 3” statistic idea to hilarious results.

• Hey Fuckhead: One of the many reasons why we love Avril Lavigne.

• Little Steven Van Zandt Presents: The Mooney Suzuki, The Woogles, The Forty Fives, and The Zombies at the Variety Playhouse, tonight. And last time we checked, they were giving tickets away (for FREE) at Criminal Records.

• Flagpole cartoonist extraordinaire Patrick Lee Dean is retiring after nine years at the Athens weekly.

• Letterman has Amanda Peet (Studio 60), Nigella Lawson (boobs in the kitchen), Bob Seger (Face The Promise)

• And now, a reading from the blog of Cory Kennedy: Sunday, September 24, 2006, i have to be back in hollywood in an hour. bleh man , bleh. its hot there. cha cha with pat odell tonight?

• Ziggy: That’s what you get for ordering Veggie Chili.

• Monica Kaufman ♥’s Krautrock.

• GQ: Helena Christensen in Ultimo lingerie.

• Kelly Brook and a cigarette.