Something about this picture just doesn’t add up. Egotastic says it’s a “not-great-quality preview of Scarlett’s Allure shoot from the New York Post.” Allure shoot? You mean the Allure magazine that’s “geared toward professional modern women?” Geared toward professional modern horn-ball hetero teenage boys and closet rug-munchers, perhaps. We haven’t bought an issue of Allure in quite some time so we can’t say for sure. But don’t kid yourself, magazine-geared-toward-professional-modern-women, this photograph is singular in purpose: Jerk off material. It looks like they photoshopped (8 pounds off her thighs and 6 inches off her waist) Ms. Johansson’s face onto some kind of sick, twisted combination of any image from this lewd-for-the-course American Apparel Lauren Phoenix gallery and Donald Sutherland’s shacket scene from Animal House. “Women’s” beauty magazines like ELLE, Cosmo, and Allure have always been a secret resource for soft-core pictorials, but none so much as this one looks to be. This is Maxim. This is Stuff. So, socks off (or on) to you, Allure, and welcome to Dennis Publishing!

• Feeling like this post is a bit too top-heavy in the canned goods aisle and a little too lean in the mancake section? Here, have a big ol’ slice of Vinicius Naval. It’s on us.

• Feeling like that may have been a smidge too much cake for ya? Here, have some popping fresh Diora Baird!