Note to Jessica Biel: You may want to keep a close eye on your jewelry.

Re: The mysterious “LR” in Lindsay Lohan’s Hollywood-coherent email that was first reported on Page Six who turned out out to be Lohan’s former assistant, Lindsay Ratowsky, who Lohan threatened to sue for allegedly selling information to the tabloids, and who “left” Lohan to work for Jessica Biel… Re: That.

From a goldenfiddle reader in Los Angeles comes this email:

We thought we’d never hear the name Lindsay Ratowsky again, but there it is in Page Six. Hilarious. Ratowsky went shopping at (LA boutique) -post (LA boutique) opening party, which Lohan attended- claiming she was Lohan’s assistant. We later we found out that she had already been fired by Lohan*, yet continued telling people she was Lohan’s assistant, ad nauseum, in order to keep the celebrity perks. Anyway, she tried on the whole store, made a huge, unnecessary mess, bought one little top, and left the store. After cleanup we noticed a necklace was missing.

We called the agency she worked for to get her number, and they told us she no longer worked for Lohan, and they couldn’t give out her number. We explained our situation, they said no, but then, randomly, a few hours later someone from the agency called us back with her number. We didn’t want to spook Ratowsky, so we gave her an easy out. We called (straight to vm, shocker) and left a nice message stating that she had taken the necklace with her by accident, obviously, and would she kindly bring it back. She called back (after store hours, shocker), and admitted that she did indeed have the necklace and then rambled on for 40 hours, piling bullshit excuse on top of bullshit excuse. She said she noticed the necklace when she got home that night, but -and here’s where she gives herself away, again- she figured it must have been Lindsay’s, so she stored it away in a safe jewelry box to give back to her flame-topped boss the next time she saw her, like a good little personal assistant.

Big prabs, Ratdog, considering you no longer worked for Lindsay.

She sent the necklace back a week later, via Fed-Ex, i.e. she’s never coming back in the store, with a note that read:

Dear (LA boutique),

Deepest apologies regarding this gorgeous piece. SO many things thrown around the dressing room last week, but still can’t figure it out. So embarassed! Hope all is well. See you soon.

heart,

Lindsay Ratowsky

*We feel like she was fired because she kept saying she worked for Lohan well after she no longer did. That to me reeks of denial and probably means she was fired.

heart,

(LA boutique)

Inspiring! Here at goldenfiddle HQ we have often discussed this septic, last frontier of celebrity minutia gluttony, the personal assistant, over venti macchiatos and iced lemon pound cake, with our personal assistants. It’s fascinating stuff, really. Because for the most part, it’s completely unmined territory. Think about it. For every celebrity you see, there’s a personal bitch at their beck & call, just off camera, doing everything except wiping that celebrities’ ass, and in Janice Dickinson’s case, wiping her ass. You know how in The Devil Wears Prada, Andy’s boss makes her do all kinds of crazy shit? It’s like that, only the shit is worse, because your boss is a fucking idiot.

… How about some new pictures of Gisele Bundchen frolicking around the beaches of St. Barts in a string bikini? Thought so.

• Somewhere wormy, Andy Warhol’s skull looks like it’s smiling.

• Director Michel Gondry solves a Rubik’s Cube in under 2 minutes with his feet. Eat it, Will Smith. (via bigscreenlittlescreen)

• It’s wound. Now shut the shit up, please.