Right about now you’re wondering where our obligatory, snooze-worthy, Sundance coverage is, aren’t you? Well, we did, in fact, send someone to Park City for free schwag and Polygamy Porter. And not just anyone someone. We sent our attorney and personal chiropractor, Aloisius Ball. So without further ado or adon’t, we are proud to bring you the official goldenfiddle coverage of The Sundance Film Festival 2007, a week or so too late.

I, Aloisius Ball, of the law firm Ball & Weed, will not bore you with a bunch of amateur reviews of movies -nay!- films you will probably never see. (Instead, I will bore you with my meager celebrity-spotting exploits!) Despite jumping through several flaming Bacardi’d hoops to score a press-pass, I still did not have the patience to wait in any lines for any films. (Zinger alert) However, I did line up for some parties (zing!) in my short stint at Sundance. Here, in no particular order, is a mixed bag of celebrity-spotted lowlights in between the rolling blackouts.

Perky Park City perennial Parker Posey, trying to be all incognito, forcing the brim of a floppy, gaucho hat over her face. Gaucho hat. I know, you’re impressed.

Keri Russell, looking more diminutive and cuter than ever, walking out of some schwag palace. Didn’t get a chance to see if any of her bags had a career in it.

DJ Danny “Mom-Jeans” Asshat-sterson in a powder-blue, 70’s blazer. I believe it may have been wardrobe horked from that show. You know, the one about the 1970’s?

Mrs. Larry David Cheryl Hines curiously smelling olives at the Delta Lounge finger food buffet. Mmmmmm, very strange, indeed.

That fat sack with a lisp from 24 and The Sopranos (Louis Lombardi?) squiring some Staten Island street-walker around the snowy patches.

Nick Nolte passed. out. cold. in an airplane seat at the Delta Lounge.

Who’s the Boss mum Judith Light looking regal (and adult acne-free) at the Gersh party. Thanks ProActiv!

Six Feet Under scruffball Jeremy Sisto looking like his normal, jovial (read: constipated) self in a suit at the Delta Lounge.

Schuyler Fisk all hugged-up with some freedom fighter at the Gersh party.

Peter Sarsgaard looking hip, but not too hip, at the Delta Lounge.

Film-gobbling Weinstein Co. chief Harvey Weinstein at the Picturehouse party at Zoom, sans designer/girlfriend/wtf Georgina Chapman.

Sienna Miller is really fucking hot. {ED. note: so is hell.}

Useless LA rock-failure/Mischa Barton VD assistant Cisco Adler and his giant left nut at the Sundance Film Festival Patron Circle: Celebrate the Film Makers Reception. Just kidding!

Hayden Christensen stunt double Tyler Hilton. Who the fuck is that Tyler Hilton? Seriously? He was there.

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People Brit-drunk Toby Young with director of his memoir-cum-movie Robert Weide (Curb Your Enthusiasm) at William Morris.

Ian “You’re Taking This Picture ‘Cuz You Think I’m A Joke, Aren’t You?” Ziering at… Delta. And yes.

Dreamgirl Eddie Murphy about to kick my ass after I said, “Hey, Eddie Murphy! FUCK YOU!” to him at William Morris.

Oh, yeah. And Heather Graham was on my flight from New York. Do you have any idea how many shit-awful movies she’s been in?! Really, IMDb her (but only Netflix). It’s incomprehensible.

{ED. note: Not to ruin the one good joke here, but the “Delta Lounge” is, sadly, not at the airport. It’s one of those VIP-type lounge areas set up in Park City, where the stars and other assorted industry-types gather to beat off to themselves.}