War is hell, but this summer’s bumper crock of schlockbusters is no Russian model hunt, either. In fact most of them can turn a brain to warm liquid goo in just under three hours, plus previews. Somewhat regrettably, we’ve spent a better portion of our summer nights at the local multicinemovieplex these past couple months, and all we have to show for it is an extensive new knowledge of the almighty corrosive powers of Nerd Rope on human teeth and a few new acid flashbacks. Morgan Spurlock ate a lot of McDonalds, we’re gonna see a lot of terrible movies… Reviews?

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix: Almost As Totally Awesome As The Book!!! We’re Told!!! Seriously, Though!!! It’s Pretty Awesome!!!

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At Worlds End: Picture Yourself In A Boat On A River!!! With Tangerine Trees And Marmalade Skies!!! Somebody Calls You!!! You Answer Quite Slowly!!! A Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes!!! Is It Tomorrow Or Just The End Of Time???

Transformers: Best, Souless, Shaky, Grainy, Washed-Out, Slightly Out Of Focus, Poorly Lit, GMC Ad Of The Summer!!! Can’t Wait For Part Deux.0 With Galvatron!!! (we were pretty sure we enjoyed this one, that is, until we read this take-no-prisoners nerdatribe at AICN)

Ratatouille: Best Anti-Frozen Burrito, Anti-Plush Toy, Anti-Unnecessary Characters, Anti-Shrek The Third Cartoon For Foodies!!!

La Vie En Rose: Best Dinner Party Conversation Fart-House Biopic!!!

Live Free or Die Hard: Best Visually Pleasing Totally Pointless Stunts!!! Most Inexcusable Depictions Of Computer Hacking Ever To Be Captured On Film!!! (If real life were like film I’d be able to port wordpress to my toaster using a cat5 cable and a bag of glitter) (via transbuddha)

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer: Jessica Alba As Sue Storm??? Worst!!! Actress!!! Casting!!! Ever!!! EVER!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spiderman 3: How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, by Peter Parker!!! (or) Best Example Of Why Kirsten Dunst Should Never Be Allowed To Sing In A Movie Ever Again!!!

Knocked Up: Sure We Laughed A Few Times When Paul Rudd Said Something!!! (but!!!) The Crowning Scene Is Fake!!! And So Are The Main Characters!!! And The Plot!!!

Notes On A Scandal: This Was A Netflix, Actually!!! But It’s Still Very Good!!! And If You’re Not Already Totally Obsessed With Cate Blanchett, This Will Do It!!!

Oceans 13: Gay Porn!!!*

*if they put out a DVD of just Casey Affeck’s scenes from all three, we would definitely consider netflixing it. That reminds us, we also netflixed a movie called Henry Fool. It was odd, intelligent, and excellent.