You knew this day was coming, buddy. You had to know. She talked openly about experimenting with sex and one night stands in the press and never once gushed about you on the talk show circuit. Honestly, what did you think was going to happen here? Marriage? Kids? You’re a personal assistant, and she’s the sexiest woman in the world. It was a good run, but it’s time to face facts; The best two years of your life are over. Come on, now. Stop crying. We’re sure they’re are plenty of cute girls out there just dying to bang Jessica Alba’s ex-boyfriend. It’s like the poet Edie Argos said, “What becomes of the broken hearted? They’re drunk for a few weeks and then back were they started.”

• Art Brut :: “People In Love” (mp3)

Looking back on the relationship, already, we can see that it was kind of calculating, emotionless, even diabolically brilliant of her to pick you. (We know, Jessica Alba?) Just hear us out: You were in the industry -but not really- which allowed her control and basic converstaion, you looked okay next to her (decent height, weight, and of ambiguous origin), you were smart enough to know what you had and not to fuck that up in any way, but most significantly, you allowed her to focus on what was really important: the few short years of her complete joke career. See, she never had to deal with the unnecessary daily tabloid pressures and humiliations that come with dating a somebody. We know this is hard to hear, but, again, you have to appreciate the supreme coldness of the thing. Now, let’s say you were a famous actor, she would have had to deal with your enormous ego, and the weight-of-the-world Hollywood stress that comes with dating someone who could possibly hog the spotlight away from her at any given time, and, thusly, perhaps cut short her minute career as a nasally, talentless bikini-filler. But with you she was able to pack the calendar, make some serious money, pose for magazines, hit the gym, and get some sweet lovin’ and puppy-like companionship, all without having to make one public apology or trip to the shrink/rehab/ dermatologist. Her mind body and reputation are all still intact. No simple feat in LaLa Land these days. Just look at text book case Cameron Diaz. Sure, dating Timberlake was fun, but she got dumped. hard. By Justin Timberlake. Then she went all stalker crazy and overclung to Drew Barrymore, and we watched the whole desperate affair play out in US Weekly, week after week. Add that to her recent string of shit movies and ticking biological bomb and you’ve got yourself one crazy, medicated multi-millionaire. It was sad, and, unfortunately, she will never fully recover. She can’t. She’s an actor.